You know, there are so many things that we hear these days about
taking pharmaceuticals for mental illness. We hear how it works,
how there is no way that it could work, how its only meant to be a
crutch, etc., etc. However, I can assure you that what I am going
to say is not something you hear often.
I have battled with depression, anxiety, borderline personality
disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder for quite some time.
Depression came first, though, which led to me being an expert
guinea pig for my doctors to experiment on with their medications.
And while I have let them intermittently pump me full of drugs, it
never lasts very long.
The first time, I was around seventeen. And all I can remember
thinking as the doctor changed my prescription each week, is that
it didnt seem like the doctor took anything very seriously.
Especially my health. I mean, I am not an expert by no means, but
it cant be healthy for a teenager to be taking a new
anti-depressant each week. The last straw for that stint was
wanting to commit suicide more strongly than I ever had after that
very same doctor gave me the maximum dosage of Zoloft.
After that, for years I just stayed away from the stuff. Yet, I
continued to suffer through my symptoms with no help. By 21 I was
ready for round two, and by the time I was 24 I was on eight
different medications. Unfortunately, where that landed me was to a
state of medically induced mania that almost ruined my life.
Now, dont get me wrong. Im not saying that drugs dont help. What
I am saying, is that I couldnt agree more with the actor Jim Carrey
when he commented on his Prozac use.
It feels like a low level of despair you live in where youre not
getting any answers but your living ok and you can smile at the
office, but its a low level of despair. Jim Carrey said regarding
Carrey put it like a true pharmaceutical veteran. And it really
got my wheels turning. Especially, now that I am on Prozac. And it
helps, but its more of a crutch. Its something that pushes me out
of the bed each day, but only so I can make it through. I had to
wonder to myself, how on Earth did Carrey find the courage to get
off the drugs for good? What pushed him to that point?
In his own words, I realized that everything was just okay.
At first glance, or upon hearing this for the first time, I was
outraged. How dare he. The Prozac and Abilify cocktail I take each
night saved my life. But did it really? Or will it eventually ruin
my life, when the health repercussions finally catch up to the rest
of my aging body?
With that being said, I truly thought about his words. What a
madman. I thought.
However, after thinking about it for some time, and